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He was incessant. He wanted threesomes. He wanted foursomes. I was a good wife. I kept the house clean. I took care of all the girl things—like I bought those throw pillows. You know when you think your life is all set? I think he loved me just as much as he loved himself and he hated himself. Jill wore a loose, green blouse and leaned against the wall relishing her mezcal and soda. She applies bright red lipstick with blue tones, which I admire. Who knew there was such a thing?
She even picked the flavor, a soothing lavender. But I like Jill. And anyone who has failed at anything, I immediately feel a kinship with.
She never thought she was good enough anyways. She shrugs. But no, he had his own fantasies.
They found Charles on Tinder. Jill got wasted and stoned to calm her nerves. She hoped he knew that she loved him. For weeks after, Matt treated her like a goddess. It was such a relief to be adored—she could almost keep her food down. But then Matt grew restless. He gambled. He played too many video games. He seemed like a real winner. She liked the people watching—a proud and heavyset girl on a swing that snapped, a nude woman getting eaten out on a pool table, old people in the corner having sex. And then there were the downstairs rooms covered in mats with spray bottles full of disinfectant.
He wanted her to pick out the couples. She wanted to make love staring into his eyes.
They ripped off the Band-Aid with a younger couple in their early 20s. The girl was a terrible kisser, real hesitant. Husband and wife went down on the girl together. Matt from above. Jill from below. They were mouth to mouth. It was a bonding experience. Matt shook Jill until she could move. He helped her to get dressed and promised to take her home. As they left, hand in hand, she turned to the young couple and apologized for ruining their night.
She almost believed him. But as they continued to invite outsiders into their bed, her hope dulled. Jill was smart, beautiful and successful, but they underestimated her tenacity. And even though the disappointment was brimming, she hardly cried. Besides, Matt found displays of emotion disgusting. He took pride in a positive outlook on life. They tried couples counseling. He was It happened for a year.
It was rape. He was damaged goods. Jill decided her wedding ring was bad luck, so she took it off. She swiped right on Bumble and met a man. He told her she was going to have sex with him. She wonders what her purpose is. She donates to charities. Never let a man make you feel crazy for not wanting to do what he wants you to do—even for love. I imagine his smile and the way the corner of his eyes crinkle as his face lights up. I think of the shit we all go through, and then I think of how resilient we all are.
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