Sex escape from reality

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Sex escape from reality

As an addict, I am hardwired for escape—from reality, from boredom, but mostly from my feelings. God—how boring and vanilla did these step groups want me to be? How devoid of my edge or my personality would I have to become for these people to be happy? I suspected from the start that this was some sort of far-right conservative religious cult.

How did this happen?

Sex escape from reality

Thankfully, I never had a reason to unleash this sort of tirade on anyone. The people I met when I first got clean allowed me to grow and change in my own time—to find my own path in my own life and in my own recovery. But I guess this needs a little backstory.

Sex escape from reality

When I was seven or eight, I looked outside of myself for a s of life that would excite me: Movies, TV, music. It was like creating a role for myself. I began play-acting my way into my own life. I never really questioned who I was underneath it all. I was the image of a me I wanted you to see.

Nowhere did this hologram Sex escape from reality as transparent as when I walked into rehab. I had invested my whole life into an idea of myself—my life starring me. And drugs were like the glue that held it together. Getting clean terrified me. I was so confused and the noise in my head only made it worse.

Sex was a safe place. I knew where I was there and how to play in it. Clean and sober, I became the girl who liked to have fun with no grief attached. The heart-store was closed. It made me feel powerful and in control. I was never the prey. I was hurt when you started dating someone seriously. But you never knew. It takes a lot of strength to play this role but I was a natural. And when it was working, it was powerful and the larger-than-life aspect of it seductive. But this was just a new mask to hide behind. I felt terror at the thought of not performing.

For years, every sexual encounter was as good as I wanted it to be. After all, I was performing for myself. You only factored in as a prop in the sexual landscape of my imagination. You were anyone I wanted you to be because I had very little interest in you once sex entered into the picture. I was too lost inside the mad rush of running from myself. As I became more present and less fearful, I stopped leaving my body to play inside my mind. This was the most apparent during sex. You were no longer a supporting player in the story I was writing.

I developed new needs, new desires and the ability to honor them. Sometimes I miss the simplicity of checking out of reality, out of my feelings, and out of my body. Drugs and sex did such a good job of annihilating Patty at will. There are days I want to Sex escape from reality the old me back for a fun night but a voice in my head will always first list the pros and cons. And then, as much as I might want to dress myself up in an old idea of myself to alter the discomfort in my current reality, I hold off. I came into recovery wanting relief.

Sex escape from reality

Learning how to live with my feelings was how I learned to eradicate the fear that had kept me running from myself. Without that all-invasive fear, all my masks fell away. I suspect I always knew that I would have to be the one to do it. Patty Powers is a sober coach, writer, and public speaker on addiction and recovery.

She lives in New York.

Sex escape from reality

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Sex escape from reality

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